Marital Obligations

Dennis Prager at Townhall has a two part article "When a Woman Isn't In the Mood" about how a wife (which is really how the article should be titled because I guarantee this man would have different opinions about how an unmarried woman ought to behave) should just lie back and take one for the sex-team even if she "isn't in the mood".

I originally saw this article through Feministing's "Dennis Prager: Nothing says "I love you" like marital rape" which, while providing a good analysis & critique of the article, seems to take it a step to far with labeling his view point as marital rape. Of course, maybe I don't understand what marital rape is... but it seems to me that rape means a lack of consent and what Mr. Prager is suggesting through his articles is more of consenting out of obligation. Still, what he is promoting is fairly offensive.

Part 1 gives a rundown of why wives should have sex with thier husbands. Some highlights include:

• A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him
• Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual nature's desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much.
• Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. ... most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.
• Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.

The main point, as I understand it, is that men desire sex to such an extent that we might as well call it a need, and through marriage, if you want him to continue his "daily heroic self-control" (otherwise known as being a decent human being) then you should have sex with him whenever he feels like it. As a matter of fact, having sex when you don't really want to have sex is a sign that you love him... and not actually a sign that you believe he sees you as a sexual object instead of a separate person with your own thoughts and emotions. Moreover, a couple need not fix any communication problems that would prevent a partner from desiring sex or understanding that a lack of desire for sex is not a rejection of the person, if the wife just submits to her husband's carnal urges.

As annoyed and uncomfortable that article left me, Part 2 was the truly offensive piece. Part 2 discusses why being "in the mood" is an unnecessary part of having sex with your husband. Here is a summary of his 8 reasons:

1. It might take too long for a woman to desire sex: "for most women, for myriad reasons -- female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested -- there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex." (And before I move on, I just want to say that not wanting to have sex due to "childhood trauma" is an EXTREMELY good reason not to have sex and not to feel obligated to have sex. Mr. Prager is truly disgusting for suggesting otherwise. Further, not feeling sexy could be easily rectified if the husband was able to treat her as if she was in fact a sexy person and desirable for more than just opening her legs.)
2. Sex and employment are of equal obligation - Wives should feel obligated to have sex because husbands feel obligated to go to work.
   
3. (I'm not really sure what point 3 is trying to say, but it is something about how the babyboom generation elevated feelings over obligations.) "But marriage and life are filled with “shoulds.”"
4. Sex is an obligation when you get married.
5. "Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings." (Again, I'm not exactly sure what the point is, other than society places a higher value on the feelings of women... which suggests nothing to me other than society would have more sympathy for the wife).
   
6. Acting in opposition to one's feelings while helping a child or neighbor his not hypocritical, therefore, having sex when your husband could easily just take care of his own needs in the bathroom by himself (partially my interpretation) is also not hypocritical.
   
7. "If it is romance a woman seeks -- and she has every reason to seek it -- it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety."
8. You do lots of other things for which you aren't in the mood. If you start doing it, you might end up in the mood.
   

And for all of this, I say - awful. This is awful and it is a sad and pathetic way to view marriage and sex.

On the flip side, maybe one should consider the wide variety of marriages out there.... I for one am not likely to enter a marriage where my partner would consider that I have an obligation to perform sexual acts... or (because I am obstinate) an obligation to perform/feel anything. However, perhaps some couples enter the marriage contract with a deal: one person will work and provide financial security while the other person will not be obligated to work but will need to be available to satisfy a variety of other needs/desires at a moment's notice. If that's the kind of marriage some couples have, well then it kind of does sound like there is an obligation - but it doesn't sounds like a very good marriage.... or life.

My final thought, which might be more applicable/relevant for people who are less inclined to be reading a feminist blog (and wouldn't consider Citizen Girl as anything but...): if by getting married one is actually obligated - OBLIGATED - to have sex... one might feel less like a prostitute by not getting married in the first place and might (just might) actually enjoy sex more by not feeling pressured into it, and by engaging in sexual activity when it is most enjoyable... you know, when one is in the mood.

Why a woman might not be in the mood is another issue all together and shall be addressed at a later time.